How to become a web analytics dictator

I am fascinated by human nature. I love to try to understand why we make choices as we do. Everything from choosing a particular product to choose our path in life. Recently there has been a lot of talk about dictators being overthrown around the world so I thought I would go against the current and write how to become a dictator within a company; a web analytics dictator.

Of course this post is on the funny side since we all need to rest our brains from all the data.

Statistically speaking there should be plenty of people with the same traits as a dictator working as web analysts. Actually there was a study done not long time ago that concluded among the CEOs of major corporation the narcissistic trait was overrepresented compared to the population as a whole.

So how do you go along to accomplish your task? Just imagine you just landed a job at a major corporation and want to see your move up the ranks. How do you do that? How do you become so powerful that people fear the sound of your walk? How do you topple your competitors? How do you get so hated that everyone wants to revolt against you? Well, follow these steps and you will be on the right path.

Step 1, be mentally prepared

The right mental mindset is crucial. Just like a professional football team that wants to win the world cup you need the mental preparedness or you will not succeed.

You need to believe you are entitled to unlimited praise and deference. You should also believe that your will and desire is the only game in town.

Focus on fantasies on unlimited success, power and intelligence. Visualize how you could rule the company and all the praise you will get.

Like your mother used to say, you are “special” and unique, and can only be understood by other special people with powers. Believe that your fellow web analysts are not on that level.

Getting this mindset might be difficult for an untrained brain but don’t lose hope. Everyone can become a dictator with a little bit of training so repeat the three paragraphs sentences a few hundred times in front of the mirror and you will get there fast.

Step 2, strive for attention

Be like a spoiled child. Continually claim for attention and admiration. In a meetings talk a lot. Even if it is lies that come out of your mouth continue to speak unrestrained. Get all the lights to focus on you. Dominate the meetings. Use your knowledge in data. Make your arguments extremely high tech so people cannot question you. Also tell a lot of impressive lies even of events that never occurred like how you went on a fishing trip with Obama.

Step 3, use people

Other people should be seen only as an extension of the self to be manipulated and/or eliminated as needed. You should develop an inability to relate to people as people. Suck up to those in power and kick on those below. Feed important people with only favorable key data while keep the others in the dark. Try to give other people wrong data and deny it when they claim otherwise. Leave no paper trail to point back at you.

Step 4, turn off your feelings

Practice to disconnect your feelings towards others. Ideally you should have a strong inability to recognize or identify with the feelings, needs, and viewpoints of others. Ignorance is bliss as they say. Your web analytics field is the most important game in town. When other people have an opinion, bring out your web analytics guns. Prove them wrong time after time with data that has been manipulated in your way.

If you are being criticized on your data or behavior be hypersensitive. Insults (real or imagined), criticism, or defeat should be met with rage, shame, and humiliation. Do not give your coworkers any breathing room.

Step 5, manipulate data

To get what you want you will need to be able to argument for your case, and with data you can turn it either way to support your case.

You should misrepresents facts and ignore data that conflicts with your fantasy world. Based on the data you should opportunistically shifts positions and be overly confident.

The game is to be perceived as an intelligent web analyst with superb performance. You should have control of the perception of data and when you are challenged you should respond as of though your very survival is at stake.

Step 6, surround yourself with yes sayers

Until you reach that unquestionable tyrant position you will be dependent on others. Surround yourself with codependents, enablers and followers and if anyone of them challenge your authority  just discard them as they never existed, because the victim only matters in relation to how he can support the grandiosity of your dreams; beyond that he is faceless nameless and worthless.

There it is. Your six step guide. Easy as 1-2-3. Now you have no reason not to pursue this path J.

A small note. Of course following this path will classify you as insane and I highly do not recommend you to follow it. On the good side maybe you can use it to identify an upcoming dictator within your web analytics group or your company as a whole.

One thought on “How to become a web analytics dictator”

  1. Hi Theo,

    Nice post! Do not forget to add:

    7) Oppose any “Data Democracy” initiative and keep critical performance data for yourself.

    8.) Eliminate all competition by spreading false rumors and data.

    9) Review the Star Wars series to become a serious apprentice of the dark side of the force (ok that one was pretty geeky).

    Does anybody have more to add?

    Cheers!

    Renco

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *